Little Things

So I got my nails done last week.

For the past five years or so I get a manicure every two to three weeks.  It started with just clear polish, giving my nails a nice clean look.  Eventually I moved up to getting clear Shellac (a UV cured gel type polish) which has the advantage of lasting about two weeks with no chipping.  I then progressed to a clear sparkly finish which is a bit more fun but still doesn’t attract too much undue attention.  Then, about a two years ago, I started getting a sheer pink color under the sparkly finish.  It added a hint of color which was noticeable if you really looked at my nails but still relatively neutral.  I wore that for about a year before choosing a less sheer pink base.  So for about the last year now, my nails are noticeably sparkly pink.  Not screaming across the room pink, but enough that they can no longer go unnoticed while sitting a table with other people. Read More »

So, I have this blog…

…which has not been shown love in over a year. I have things to say, thoughts to share – I’ve just been lazy about it. Maybe lazy isn’t the right word: unmotivated is a better one.

I had lunch with a friend last week. She’s transitioning after many years of telling herself why she couldn’t do it. I told her that I am a bit envious. The truth is I’m very happy for her, as I am for any of us who are dealing with this. But as we chatted, the discussion turned to me and to what has kept me from ‘moving forward’ as it were.

I told her that in some ways, I wished that being trans was more of a problem for me. I don’t wake every morning hating what I am. I don’t spend my waking hours consumed by this. I don’t feel I need to ‘transition or die’. I many ways these are all very good things. I recognize this and on some level I am quite thankful for it. But it doesn’t change the fact that underlying it all is the continual dissatisfaction I have.

I need more than this.

‘Shit or get off the pot’ as the saying goes. I always have a reason to put off discussing what I need. The time is never ‘right’ – but honestly, is there ever a right time?

I need more and I have droned on about it for years and years.

And this is perhaps the reason for my lack of motivation to write. It’s an old story now – one I have told for so many years that even I don’t want to hear it any more.

So, I have this blog…

I think it’s time I start writing again.

Worth a Thousand Words…

… that’s what is said about a picture. More telling than any narrative, a picture has the ability to lay bare the truth of it’s subject. Sometimes, that truth is more than we want to know or accept.

I was kind of excited for our holiday party this evening. Enough so that I went and had my make-up done. Nothing outlandish, but just something a bit fun for the evening. So, I skipped out of work a bit early and headed off to be ‘made up’. Read More »

Whinging

I’ve not written in a while. It’s not for a lack of topics (I have a lot I want to write about) but more a matter of time and motivation. I have been insanely busy at work – and not in a good way. I don’t mind busy – I can even thrive on it for short spurts – but the busy is there is rooted in stupidity and confusion and I have no tolerance for that. It’s become a place at which I really do not want to be. That’s a problem as ‘work’ has become a bit of a haven for me these past years. It’s where I ‘get to be me’ more or less. Read More »

Post Sandy Thoughts

Hurricane Sandy has come and gone, leaving a mess in her wake.  Some were pummeled, others hardly effected.  At my home, this is the state of things at the moment:

  • We are on our fifth day without power.  We lost it Monday at 3:45pm EDT. Read More »

Becoming Human

In 2007, I posted The Impossible Human, where I discussed a bit how transpeople continually are forced to assert the reality of their existence – to assert that they themselves actually are people. Read More »

Cool (and Somewhat Awkward)

I was in a meeting yesterday with five other colleagues – four of whom I know well, one who I have seen in the office but never had the occasion with which to speak.  We were discussing what needed to be finished in order to do a small demo showing the end to end integration of our respective systems.

The guy who I do not really know was talking about how everything needs to be passed downstream to my process, “… because she needs to generate … uh … he needs to generate the extract files …”

:: Donna smiles a bit ::

It is the first time there that that has happened to me and for a moment I felt very awkward, wondering what (if anything) the other people in the room thought.  No one reacted in any way and we continued our discussion without incident.

I couldn’t help but walk out of the meeting smiling just a bit to myself.

How To Be A Trans* Ally

Reblogged from Facebook

What should I do If My Friend is Trans?

Reblogged from Genderfork

13 Myths and Misconceptions About Trans-women

A fantastic article by Natalie Reed (who blogs at http://www.freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed.)

13 Myths and Misconceptions About Trans Women: Part One

13 Myths and Misconceptions About Trans Women: Part Two

Please read!

Sometimes I’m a Bit Slow

I was Googling my blog name when I came across this:

http://twitoaster.com/country-us/katebornstein/sorry-correct-link-to-last-tweet-is-an-article-on-genderqueer-as-philosophy-vs-identity/

It seems that Kate Bornstein tweeted a link to my blog page about being genderqueer… And I find it two years later.

Like I said, I’m a bit slow at times.  But still…

How absolutely f’ing cool is that! :D

Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson?

That is the sound of – inevitability…

For some thirty-five years I have lived conscious of the fact that I am not that which I have been told I am. With the never-ending ‘noise in my head’, I have lived in opposition to what I can only describe as an ‘instinctual knowledge’ of what I should be – of what I am.

To have to fight the instincts — that is the definition of decadence: as long as life is ascending, happiness equals instinct.

A while back, I was out with two girlfriends from work for drinks. We chatted about this and that when the topic of conversation turned to me (yes, they know ‘my story’.) One of them asked me if I was happy. I paused and thought for a few seconds before telling her that I was in a better place than I had been in the past – but happy?

Can one be happy fighting who they are everyday? Read More »

Chitchat

Leaving work the other evening, I ran into a woman with whom I ride the train in the mornings. We have chatted casually a few times – not so much to really be ‘friends’ per se – but enough to be friendly. She was waiting for the E train when I saw her and I stopped and said hello. We started chatting a bit and so began the journey home.

I’m not an especially outgoing individual – quite the opposite really – but once I get past the initial awkwardness of meeting someone I’m usually fine. We chatted the whole subway trip to Penn Station and once there, parted for a few minutes to get supplies for the trip home. We met up again, and boarded the train for home. As I said, I’m kinda shy and I always find it a bit surprising when people want to just talk with me – perhaps I shouldn’t, but it’s just how I feel.

We continued our smalltalk about the train and the people we see there and stuff like that. She tells be she loved getting to know about people and I smile a bit because, well, I’m not really the ‘average’ person on the street, but it’s fine – she’s done nothing to offend me so I continue our conversation. She proceeds to tell me her life more or less (which to be honest has been a hell of a lot more exciting than my own) and I think to myself that this is not the first time for this. I tend to get people telling me stuff and wonder what it is about me that makes them that comfortable with sharing. Don’t get me wrong, I like listening and sometimes offering whatever insights I might have – I just wonder how it happens sometimes.

And so the train ride goes. It was fun seeing as I usually sit alone and noodle around on my Mac. We get about five minutes from our stop when she sits back and says, “So, now I have a question for you…” I smile, knowing what’s coming – I have been waiting for it for an hour or so. A method to the madness so to speak, she jokes afterwards a kind of “I’ll show you mine now you show me yours.” I give her the super condensed story of me and a bit of background as to be identifying as genderqueer. It’s nothing ‘complete’ but I did want to share as well and told her we can discuss more next time we have the chance. We exchange our farewells for the evening and head off to our cars and home.

I don’t mind that people are curious and I have never been shy about discussing being trans. My one rule is that people treat me with respect – which she did. And her willingness to share with me put us on a bit of an equal footing which was nice. I have had many chats wherein it seemed to be all about me. It was nice to not be the sole topic of conversation.

So… Not an especially deep post, but I went home that night smiling a bit – and I thought I’d share. :)

Kisses!!

Ms. Donna:

This really resonates for me – summing up so much of how I have felt for so long.

Originally posted on The Heartland Road:

The cliffs march on and on, like a wall above me. I start to wonder what’s up there, above the bright rim of the sky. Perhaps it’s just the lure of the unknown – the wall is stout and tall and unbroken, except for the waterfalls, which thunder through gorges like chimneys, narrow and dark and slick with spray.

View original

Noise

I have tinnitus.  You know, that ‘ringing’ sound some people have in their ears.  I have had it as long as I can remember, although I am sure that there was some time in my life where I didn’t.  For the most part, it’s not a problem as the normal ambient sounds of every day life tend to mask it to where I don’t even notice it.  I go about my day to day activities without even thinking about it.  As ‘conditions’ go, it’s seems to be quite manageable. Read More »

The Truth of the Matter

A member of an online forum I frequent made the following observation…

It isn’t so much a question of essential natures being rigidly dichotomous (they aren’t), as of there being a convenient typology we want to use, and perhaps most of us need.

…part of a larger discussion that prompted my following reply. Read More »

Objects in the Rear View Mirror…

“Objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer then they are.” A great Jim Steinman / Meatloaf song full of over-the-top angst wherein the singer reflects on moments of his younger days. We all have memories we tuck away and all but forget about – but now and then something stirs them and it can feel like only yesterday when they bubble up to the surface of our consciousness. Read More »

The Genderbread Person

I saw this on Facebook and it was too good not to share.

(click on the pic to see full size)

Undoing Gender Stereotyping

Please click and read : One teachers approach to preventing gender bullying in a classroom

This is such a great article.  Please reblog! :)

Shows how gender stereotyping effects everyone and how easily it can be overcome when someone cares.  I only wish more teachers took initiative like this.

Girl Talk Redux

I’m standing on the subway platform, waiting for the E train – my iPod blasting Pendulum – when I notice a woman talking to me. I turn to her and pull one of the earphones out. Still unable to hear, I remove the other and put my iPod in my bag.

“Your eyebrows look great” she says.

“Thanks!”, I reply and make what I am sure is an awkward smile. Read More »

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