Less dreary today, ergo less whinging. As I said, I needed to vent. Were I still seeing my therapist, she would have heard this and my purse would be $70 lighter. I much prefer sharing with a group of like minded individuals. It is only because I was able share and learn from the experiences of others that I’ve gotten as far as I have in all of this.
Were I able to ‘indulge’ only occasionally, I’m sure that my life would be easier. But I tried that and found that it provided little relief. I needed to be me as ‘full time’ as possible – all I had to do was find who ‘me’ was. As I sifted and sorted through my experiences, thoughts and feelings, what finally coalesced as a sense of self is what I am now. I have no true experiences as a ‘woman’ and my experiences as a ‘man’ are so tainted as to be largely unreliable. What I’m left with is a view of the world – and myself – which is neither a man’s nor a woman’s – it’s something all its own.
I am, by my nature, a shy person and yet I present to the world in a way in which I attract attention to myself. I do it not for the reason of attracting attention, but because it resonates with how I see and feel about myself. An unfortunate side effect of this is that on a daily basis, it places me at odds with what society feels I ‘ought’ to be. I have, for all intents and purposes, extricated myself from the groups ‘man’ and ‘woman’. And in a society where binary gender “isn’t just a good idea – it’s the law” I find myself, well… nowhere.
From a functional, practical standpoint, being a ‘mix’ of genders and having no gender amount to the same thing. However, from an intellectual standpoint they are *very* different things. For me, identifying as a ‘mix of genders’ implies that I have set of experiences such that I can relate to either gender. Identifying as having ‘no gender’ implies that I have set of experiences *outside* of those defining either gender. I know I’m picking nits, but their mine to pick.
As I see it, this isn’t a ‘choice’ I’ve made. I’d like to be able to say “I’m a man” or “I’m a woman” or even “I’m both”, but the fact of the matter is that I can’t. In a society where ‘man’ and ‘woman’ are in binary opposition to one another, where does one position oneself if they are in opposition to both?
Pretty much – nowhere. And I’m OK with nowhere – despite my lengthy missive to the contrary.
I’m good with my life about 95% of the time. It’s that 5% that gets to me now and again. When I dwell on things, I get in a funk. And when I’m in a funk, I whinge. My apologies.
It’s been a long while since I’ve done a brain dump on all of this and I guess I was due. I wanted and needed to share this. Thanks for listening.