Do we know who we are?

There seems to be an outbreak going on: crossdressers from all over are suddenly becoming transsexual. What could be the cause? Sunspots? Terrorist plotting? Internet gender tests?

Whatever it is, it does seem to be happening. Are people feeling ‘pressured’ to identify as transsexual? Is it fantasy run rampant? Mass hysteria? Mass hypnosis?

All kidding aside, there does seems to be a trend: people are thinking they are becoming transsexual. However, IMHO, one does not become transsexual – it is not something one decides to be. It seems to me that in many cases, one comes to this conclusion for many of the wrong reasons.

Quite often, one will come to this conclusion after someone – a shrink / doctor / friend / SO / etc – ‘suggests’ to them that maybe they are. So used to being told what one is or should be, this is simply accepted as fact. Another culprit is Jennifer’s COGITI: the TS test on the net. While it shouldn’t be construed as a diagnosis – and I believe she even says that on her site, people take it and accept the results as ‘proof’ that they are transsexual. It isn’t hard to see why this happens. We all want validation and this offers it: albeit in a pseudo-scientific way.

Becoming a transsexual makes sense: it absolves one of figuring this all out for oneself. It offers as easy explanation for so much of this – the questioning, the conflicted feelings… it just seems to wrap it all up nice and neat-like. It also has another benefit: being transsexual is it’s own type of normalcy: allowing one to ‘fit in’. Transsexuals do have some acceptance in society where crossdressers do not. One is no longer ‘just a crossdresser’: one now has a ‘condition’ and the crossdressing… nothing more than a symptom thereof.

It also plays into the whole full-time girl fantasy so many crossdressers have. As a ‘crossdresser’, the chances of being able to live ‘full time’ are slim, but as a transsexual, one is almost obligated to do so. Many crossdressers, in coming to terms with themselves, have a phase where the desire to ‘be a girl’ is so overwhelming that it seems only logical that one is becoming a transsexual.

Yes, it seems to make a lot of sense that one ‘becomes’ a transsexual.

Then, there are those who, after much agonizing, soul-searching and introspection finally piece together the somewhat disjointed feelings and experiences of their life and come to a realization: “I’ve always been transsexual.” Not all transsexuals know they’re ‘girls’ (or ‘boys’) from a young age. They know that there is something different, but can never quite pin it down: they lack the experience and the lexicon to process it all. It takes time – often a long time – for all the feelings and experiences to coalesce in such a way that one can recognize and accept this about themselves. They do not ‘become’ transsexual, they accept that they are transsexual.

This was my case: I ‘knew’ that there was something different about me – as well as one can for a pre-teen. When I hit puberty, there was no question about it and like most of us here, I ‘addressed’ these feelings through crossdressing. I wasn’t able to articulate what it was that I felt or even put it into context; I simply felt different – out of phase with those around me – and crossdressing made me feel better.

What followed was a twenty year battle to be normal: i.e. a ‘regular guy’. For a long while, it seemed as though I had achieved my goal – I identified as a ‘regular guy’ but with a few kinks. I had rationalized all the feelings and ‘non-conforming’ actions as the kinky part and went about under the illusion of normalcy. It was great – until it all caved in on me.

Upon acknowledging my feelings, I was sure that I was really a woman – that transitioning and GRS were the only thing that could make me ‘right’. Upon understanding the feelings, I rethought this position but fully recognised and acknowledged the feelings and such for what they are.

Personally, I choose to not label myself as ‘Transsexual’ (see my posts here and here for why) but realize that in many ways, that is what I am. Not something I became, it’s what I’ve always been: it just took half of my lifetime to sort it out.

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