We all have fears – things we do our best to avoid at all costs. Today I’d like to talk about one of mine.
It’s the ‘T’ word. No, not Trans – I’m quite fine with that – the other ‘T’ word we all to common to our community.
You’re gonna make me say it, aren’t you?
:: Donna closes her eyes… takes a deep cleansing breath… and… ::
There, I said it – hope you’re all are happy now.
But god how I loath this word, I really do. I make it a point – as best as I can – to not use it in reference to myself. I have other terms I prefer to use because of the implicit meaning Transition has when used in the context of anything trans-related. I prefer evolution or becoming. They are softer words, implying an unfolding of being – a sense of growing into oneself. They are comforting in some way – to me at least.
Transition, on the other hand, is a word that frightens the crap out of me. We need not define it, as the implicit meaning is well understood by us. For me to use the word transition in reference to myself is to make a statement about myself I don’t know that I’m willing to make. There is a sense of finality to the word – of having left something far, far behind – of having passed a point of no return.
I don’t want to be there, past that midpoint with no way to get back. I don’t want to be there because it means that I have no choice but to continue onwards – to wherever it is that may lead. And while intellectually I can accept this and even welcome it – emotionally I find myself terrified.
I had a bit of a side conversation relating to a thread on a forum, where in I made the following statement:
“I’m on a middle road, but it’s mine and mine alone. It cannot be construed as one appropriate for anyone else.”
The reply I got back was not one I expected:
“I’m not sure you are.
I think you’ve just transitioned to a point that’s yours and yours alone. You did it by transitioning pretty formally. Your partner lives with it because it’s better than living without you.”
There is was, the ‘T’ word – applied directly to me.
But… but… I haven’t transitioned – really, I haven’t. Ok, so I’ve made a few changes: I look different, I informed HR of my desires / intentions to follow the women’s dress code, my picture and bio are going to be posted on our LGBT network’s web page, I’m out in public as, well, whatever it is think I am – and my wife has a hard time seeing me solidly as a ‘man’ anymore.
But that’s not transitioning… Is it?
Who am I kidding – besides myself.
My wife recognizes it. In a discussion the other week, she said that it’s obvious I want to look like a woman, why can’t I just be honest about it? She’s right and she knows it – so do I.
And even now, while I can not bring myself to actually say it, my friend is painfully correct: I’ve done it – perhaps to a point that is ‘mine and mine alone’ – but I have done it nonetheless. Try as I might, I can no longer deny it
And as I fell asleep last night, I thought to myself, for the first time…
“My god, what have I done?”