I’ve not written in a while. It’s not for a lack of topics (I have a lot I want to write about) but more a matter of time and motivation. I have been insanely busy at work – and not in a good way. I don’t mind busy – I can even thrive on it for short spurts – but the busy is there is rooted in stupidity and confusion and I have no tolerance for that. It’s become a place at which I really do not want to be. That’s a problem as ‘work’ has become a bit of a haven for me these past years. It’s where I ‘get to be me’ more or less.
‘Getting to be me’… what a sad and pathetic way to look at life.
For what now feels like as all too brief time, I was kinda happy with myself. I had lost some weight, liked how I was dressing and liked how I was being read. I thought I had worked things out well enough to have a reasonably ‘good’ life. The truth is that right now I just feel… I not sure what it is I feel really. It’s not ‘sad’ or ‘angry’ or ‘depressed’ but some mix in which I can not easily separate out the individual emotions. They are mixed in a way where it has become this new feeling unto itself. It’s a feeling which has no name, at least not one I can express.
As I got dressed for work the other day, I put on a favorite sweater I have: short sleeved, asymmetrical neck, grey and tan color-blocked coming down to about a tunic length. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror looking at myself and realized how ridiculous I looked. 6:15am and I’m already defeated for that day. I took it off and put on what has become my usual garb: a solid color knit top. I looked again and felt only somewhat less foolish this time. Sure, I know we all have bad days, but every day is becoming a bad day for me.
Compounding this is the fact that my parents have decided the they no longer need me or my family – their granddaughters – in their life. I won’t go into the details because to be honest it’s all crap, but back in May I was told some pretty nasty stuff on the phone by them. They had nothing good to say about my daughters – nothing much to say about my wife – and some choice comments about me as a person. I was gobsmacked by it all and left feeling confused and hurt. Since then, I have run this through my head almost every day, trying to rationalize it. I know that there’s nothing I or my kids have ‘done’ to deserve this, but that does little to change the emotional impact. Rational or not, I am left trying to figure out at what point I became such a disappointment to them.
About maybe twelve years ago, when I was working thought this trans stuff (as if I’m not *still* doing that,) I went and spoke to them about my ‘gender issues’. They said that they had always known, and when I asked why they hadn’t ‘done’ something about it, they replied that they just figured I would work it out. At the time I thought that was kinda cool of them, but reframing has taken place and now I’m not so sure that their ‘progressive’ approach was all that. Because you see, in the time since that chat they have never once asked me “So how are you doing with all of this?” One would thing that they would realize how difficult it was for me to come and talk about this and that they would want to know how I was doing.
One would think…
I think I became a disappointment the day they realized I was not the ‘boy’ I was supposed to be. I think they chose to ignore it hoping I would ‘grow out of it’ at some point. I think from the day I spoke to them, I have never been anything but a disappointment. They used my daughters as a shield behind which to hide – as an excuse for further distancing themselves from my family and me. Like I said, I have reframed things, but to me, this was all an excuse to be ‘done’ with me. They could now focus on my brother and sister and not have to worry about the tranny-freak son of theirs.
My brother called to wish me a happy Thanksgiving. He’s not bought into the bullshit and wishes there was some way to remediate this. I asked him if he was going to Mom and Dad’s and he said he was. I paused for a moment: Mom, Dad, my brother and his wife and daughter, and my sister and her current ‘guy’ (a whole other story) – all of them together for the day… It hurt to know that my ‘family’ was getting together for what is *the* family holiday – and that I was not welcome. I told him to have a great day and we would get together some time around Christmas.
I could go on but I won’t. I thought that I had a good relationship with my parents, but it seems to have been mostly a front on their part. I have succeeded in turning this from ‘my parents are being petty assholes’ into this being some failure on my part to *be* the person they wanted. Maybe I’m right – maybe not. It’s not really important which reason is right: they have said and done what they have and I don’t know that it can be undone. To be told however indirectly, “We don’t love you” and to know it’s likely been the case for a long time… I don’t know how to express how that feels.
And so every morning now, I look in the mirror at this ‘person’. I don’t like them / me. I don’t like who they were or who they are. The things that used to make me feel better now seem to make me feel worse. I’m just in a bad place – like being in a pit where the top is just out of reach. The frustrations of my job and my family have only served to amplify the gender dissonance I have. I feel like there is nowhere for me to go to find some peace.
I’m angry, sad, hurt, frustrated, confused, tired… I feel like I could go on with the list and *still* not convey it adequately.
I feel like I just want to disappear…