Back in June 21019, I gave presentation for pride month, about being transgender and non-binary. It was attended by 100 people in the room, and about 200 people remotely in our other office locations. Despite being nervous (I have never spoken publicly like that before) it all went quite well and I received a lot of good feedback. It is important that other transgender voices are heard, and that people get to know the diversity of people in the transgender communities.
This was my presentation, save for a few ad lib comments. Enjoy. 🙂
Hi everyone – I’m Gary. I am a BI Lead in the Enterprise Data Management group, and I have been with NYL for just over a year now, based out of beautiful Jersey City. A little bit about me: I am married for 32 years, have two daughters ages 25 and 21, three cats, one chicken – I am a fan of horror and Sci-Fi, I’m a photographer, I built an electronic music studio with way too much gear in it – and I am transgender. I mention being transgender last because it is just one aspect of me as person. I realize that I may not look like what some of you expect a trans person to look like, but like everyone else, we come in all different flavors. It is important to realize that there is no one way – or correct way – to be transgender.
I also go by the name Donna, a name I have used on line and with friends for over 20 years. I have a rather long history on-line and was a somewhat prominent voice on Usenet in the late 90’s with respect to discussing transgender identity – specifically what is now referred to as ‘non-binary’ gender identity.
Choosing the name ‘Donna’ has served two purposes. The first was it provided a modicum of anonymity online, as I was anything but ‘out and proud’ back then. The second, I would come to realize, was it helped me to define and own my identity. A thing is real insofar as you can name it. Choosing a name for myself served to root my identity with me as opposed to with someone else and their expectations.
Growing up, I was never emphatic about ‘being a girl’ as a young child. In fact it wasn’t until I hit puberty that found myself wishing I were a girl. I was alone, confused, conflicted, and never shared these feelings with my parents. All I knew was that whatever was going on with me, it was somehow ‘wrong’.
I am (possibly) what would have been referred to, back in the day, as a ‘secondary transsexual’ – meaning it wasn’t until later in life (my mid 30’s) that this all came to a head, and I recognized (acknowledged, accepted?) that I was transgender. Up until that point, I managed all the conflicted feelings I had by telling myself I was just a ‘regular guy’ who had a quirky side. That worked pretty well, until it didn’t work anymore – go figure.
So… What am I?
My gender is Non-binary / Trans-feminine, and my pronouns are they/them or she/her. I do not ‘identify as’ or refer to this as my ‘preferred’ gender. This is my gender. This is who I am.
“Non-binary / Trans-feminine” … yeah, I know – it sounds a bit like ordering at Starbucks, and I’m sure some (most?) of you are wondering “exactly what does that mean?”
The ‘non-binary’ aspect of my gender is my ‘gender identity’ – i.e. how I see myself in relation to others in society. I am neither a ‘man’ nor a ‘woman’ as is colloquially defined by society. I have no strong ‘kinship’ with either of those ‘binary’ gender categories.
There was a time where I assumed I was a man, but that never ever felt ‘right’. When I started to address all of this in earnest, I assumed I had to be a woman, because if I wasn’t a man, what else would I be? It wasn’t until I realized that there was more than just ‘men’ and ‘women’, that I was able to entertain the idea that while I wasn’t a man, I wasn’t a woman either.
See, there is this whole idea of ‘feeling’ like a man or a woman – I don’t understand what that is supposed to mean. Despite the efforts to socialize me as one, I know that what I feel is not ‘being’ a man. At the same time, I have no sense of feeling like or being a woman, either. All I can assert, with any authority, is that I know what it feels like to be ‘me’ – whatever that may be.
The ‘trans-feminine’ aspect of my gender is my gender presentation. I present myself, and prefer to interact, in a way that society would colloquially view as ‘feminine’, despite having been “Assigned ‘male’ at birth”. If you are not familiar with the expression “Assigned ‘male’ at birth”, it simply means that after a cursory visual inspection, my sex (and therefore my gender) was recorded as male. Also, at that time, my weight was recorded to be somewhere around 5 pounds. As you can see, a lot has changed since then.
My ‘Trans-feminine’ gender presentation has a definite ‘binary’ feel to it, I won’t deny that – and that’s totally OK. From the standpoint of interacting with other people, this is more comfortable for me. This is a presentation that is ‘affirming’ for me. But it’s just that – a presentation. It is a set of cues and signifiers to (hopefully) convey how I want others to see me and interact with me.
My ‘non-binary’ gender identity is not something that is necessarily visible to other people. I am almost never ‘gendered’ correctly, and every day, I am assumed to be, and gendered as, something I’m not. My ‘trans-feminine’ gender presentation is visible and can be very apparent. I have forfeit the luxury of moving anonymously through society at large, in favor of being true to myself and as ‘authentic’ as I can be. I am always visibly trans.
I have been told that what I do is courageous or somehow brave. The truth is, what I do is completely selfish. I do this for me, so I can live. This is not for anyone else’s benefit. That said, I feel that having gone through all the anguish and effort I have, something more needs to come of this. There is so much misinformation out there about transgender individuals…
To close, “It’s hard to hate someone you know.” To that end, to the extent that I can, I try to be that ‘someone’.
So for everyone in the room: if you didn’t before, you all now know at least one trans person.
Thank you.
Wandering Aloud 